Winter Season in Marriage: Healing Conversations

This fourth post in the series on surviving a harsh cold winter in marriage (post 1, post 2, post 3) focuses on healing conversations.

How does a marriage arrive in a winter season and how does it heal?

A marriage enters the winter season in the same way itch mites attack an unsuspecting person. Itch mites are tiny insects that cannot be seen by the naked eye, only through a microscope. These mites bite and crawl under the skin but you don’t feel their effect until you experience intense itching and an allergic reaction that is worse than poison ivy.

Like the nasty skin irritations caused by itch mites, a wintry marriage often begins with subtle changes in the relationship such as uncommunicated expectations, unmet needs, unresolved frustrations, pride, selfishness, anger, and taking each other for granted. Over time, these relational issues create an allergic reaction that demands immediate attention or else the marriage is headed for trouble.

But you don’t have to passively endure the severe cold in a wintry marriage and it does not have to derail your marriage. If harnessed properly a winter season can provide an opportunity for healing conversations and growth.

The way out of your winter season is embracing a hope that is firmly anchored in God and a willingness to trust His guidance.

Healing Conversations: Steps for moving a wintry marriage towards a Spring season

Here are some things you can do to move your marriage out of the winter season towards spring:

• Take ownership

Self-reflection is a first and crucial step towards healing. It begins with taking ownership and asking questions to help you identify how you might have contributed to the winter season in your marriage.

We all have blind spots and most times are unaware of their impact on others. So, go to the Lord in prayer and ask him to peel back the layers and shine his spotlight on those areas you need to work on. Two great verses that have helped me with this process are Psalm 139, verses 23-24.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24

Know that you cannot change your spouse, but doing this heart work with the Lord is necessary to begin your individual healing journey. Journaling during this time will help you capture whatever the Lord is teaching you. In my experience is this is important to healing raw emotions.

While it may be tempting to focus on your spouse and how they wronged you, take the first step to look at yourself and work on your own issues first.

• Communicate in a healing way

In addition to taking ownership and prayer, open communication between you and your spouse is vital to healing a wintry marriage. Approach your spouse with humility recognizing that God is also working on them as you surrender your marriage to the Lord.

Be realistic in your expectations as this process will take some time. Begin by evaluating your communication styles. I have found that using “I felt statements” rather than “you made me feel statements” were helpful to diffuse tension and defensiveness in our communication.

This is the time to talk about your relationship and address areas such as boundaries, assumptions, beliefs, attitudes, unspoken expectations and insecurities. Pick one issue to work on and share with your spouse why you want to work on that issue.

For every problem that you bring up that needs improvement, share two things that you value about your relationship with your spouse. As you seek to find common grounds with your spouse, pray earnestly and listen for God’s promptings during your conversations.

• Remind yourself why you fell in love with your spouse

Take a moment to reflect on the first time you met your spouse. What were some characteristics you liked about your spouse? As you reflect on these characteristics, take small positive steps towards your spouse to build trust again. Perhaps you could invite them to go on a date, or take a walk in the park, or choose something that you both enjoy doing together.

Choose to have fun, affirm your spouse and don’t only focus on the issues all the time. Have fun with your spouse.

• Choose a positive attitude

A positive attitude can help you weather the winter season well. Commit to pray for your spouse and your relationship regularly. If your spouse is willing to work with you, pray together. Ask God for strength and grace as you work through the winter season.

Take heart, Spring will soon be here.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for moving us along during this winter season and, equipping us to do the necessary heart work to align us individually and as a couple with your plan for our lives and marriage. Thank you for your restoration, grace, and strength. I believe spring will soon be here. Amen!

Scriptures: Hosea 14:4, Jeremiah 17:14, Psalm 50:6, Zechariah 7:9

Please share this post with anyone you know who is in a winter season in their marriage.

If you are in a physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive relationship, please seek help.