Winter Season in Marriage: Choose Forgiveness

This post, the third of a series on surviving a harsh cold winter in marriage focuses on specific reasons to forgive.

Have you ever felt there was an offense, you could never forgive?

Of the many factors that contribute to a winter season in marriage, infidelity is one of the top reasons marriages end in the harsh bitter cold of divorce. According to the Gallup poll, about 6 in 10 Americans will not forgive their spouse for an extramarital affair (64%).

While I do not condone infidelity, I recognize that the decision to stand for your marriage and forgive an unfaithful spouse is extremely personal. In the first post, I shared Bob and Audrey’s story and his decision to forgive his wife.

I understand how difficult it is to forgive an unfaithful spouse. A spouse’s betrayal can inflict deep emotional pains, anger, confusion, and grief. It can all feel like a heavy load. However, these emotions and feelings need to be worked through to bring physical and emotional healing (Post 2). While this process may take some time, forgiveness is central to healing and restoration.

Why forgive?

Forgiveness is for you. It doesn’t depend on the other person.

Choose to forgive, so that you will not be exploited by Satan and his clever schemes. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for your spouse. Unforgiveness will keep you stuck in bitterness that may poison your soul and lead to physical illness.

Forgiveness will free you.

Jesus invites us to follow the way of forgiveness. Throughout the scriptures, Jesus forgave many people like the woman who was caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). Even David received God’s forgiveness for his adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband.

God forgives us. His heart is for us to forgive others.

How to forgive?

• See them through the eyes of Jesus

Forgiveness will free you from the bondage of being controlled by the offense. Invite God into the situation and ask him to help you forgive.

One visual that helps me with forgiveness is to see my spouse through God’s eyes. In my mind, I transpose a picture of the cross of Jesus over my spouse so that every time I would see my spouse through the cross. This visual helps me tremendously to forgive both big and small offenses.

Looking at the offense through the cross helps me see that Jesus forgives my bitterness and justifications while at the same time he forgives my spouse.

• Forgive the associated feelings and emotions

Another important aspect of forgiveness is dealing with the associated emotional pain and hurt. It involves forgiving the offense and how it made you feel such as feeling sad, rejected, disappointed, betrayed, and humiliated.

Bear in mind that forgiveness will take time as you process through this new reality. Forgiveness is a major part of the journey to healing and wholeness.

Forgiveness transformed my life and my relationship with my spouse and God. When I chose to forgive, I felt free. I received many blessings from the process. As I leaned on God to help me, his word became real to me. Joseph forgave his brothers( Genesis 45:4-7) and he was blessed (Genesis 50:20). Forgiveness opens the door to peace, contentment, and deeper intimacy with the Lord.

Perhaps you are walking this journey right now, the emotions are raw, and you feel you cannot forgive. I get it.

I invite you to imagine the freedom you will experience when you let go of the baggage of unforgiveness and trust God with your situation.

Choose forgiveness!

Prayer: Lord, forgive my sins of bitterness and justifications. I forgive my spouse and how his actions made me feel: unloved, angry, confused, rejected, and disappointed. I release all offenses and hurt feelings and trust you to be my protector and hope. Thank you, Lord, for healing my memories of this experience so that it does not hurt me for the rest of my life.

Pray this prayer daily. As you trust God, over time you will be able to forgive.

Scriptures: Psalm 51:10, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:31-32, Isaiah 1:18